It's probably a duck. A duck that's actually cheating on me.

So, Pete played a message from his voicemail for me, after I asked him to... from the crazy girl he used to work with. Either he's gotten much, much better at covering his tracks, or she's just a nutcase. This girl calls him almost every day, at LEAST twice a week... texts almost every single day. Not just normal "friend" texts, but "I love you, I miss you, when are you coming over?" texts.

I know, I know, already you're thinking "um hello dumbass he's definitely cheating!" but this girl is NUTS. NUTS. Certifiable- literally! She's a drunk, and she has all sorts of mental problems... she's been in a psych ward at least twice in the last year or two. One incident involved her cutting open her teddy bear collection because she thought a co-worker was trapped inside one and needed her help. Yeah... so when I mean NUTS, I mean NUTS!

But the message from today... was so ordinary, so comfortable, so... "not a big deal, we do this all the time"... that I was really taken aback by it. She really honestly sounds like me leaving him a normal, everyday "this is my plan of action for the day" message. I'm not really sure what I think of it all, but I do know one thing for sure...

it doesn't really matter. It really doesn't. I'm already moving out, I already consider myself single... if anything, it just makes me more sure of what I'm doing. I have really truly stopped caring. I've gone from 75% sure he was cheating on me with her, to 99.99% sure... and I'm not even mad. Not even irritated. Disappointed in myself maybe... but not even slightly surprised. I know he's told someone in the past that he slept with her, but it was an outright lie- the story he told, he was at home with me when it supposedly happened. Although I think that day, that fight, was the beginning of the end. It's just slowly progressed downhill from there.

For the first time in years, I actually feel peaceful, happy, like my life is finally back on track. I just hope that it keeps going as smoothly once I start moving animals and Pete realizes that I'm actually truly finally serious this time. Next I need to practice letting go of controlling everything in sight. I need to control my own life, not everyone else's. Habit I guess... if I'm not pushy and bitchy, Pete never does anything I ask him to. And my last change I'm determined to make, is I want to be single for a while, and happy about being single. I know my instinct will be to latch onto someone else, anyone else, and I want that to change. After over 10 years of being with Pete, I need to take a long break and remember who I am... not who he turned me into.

I stole this from someone on a message board I post on. I thought it was cute, and true, so I'm passing it on.

Date:	2007-03-12 00:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

I'm tired of death. First Grandma Shukaitis, and now Sharon. I've been very, very lucky in that these are the first deaths I've had to deal with in the last 15 or so years. In the past I've only ever lost Grandpa Shukaitis, and that's faded in memory. But these two I was there... and stood by helplessly. The worst is that I just know that Nana is next. Losing Sharon was so hard on her, watching Nana say goodbye after she was gone just shattered me. I can't even imagine how bad the visiting hours and funeral are going to be. Luckily everyone is really pulling together and helping Peg with all the arrangements. It's frustrating to be stuck out here with no car and no way to really help. I want to go in in the morning, but I'm sick, and I won't get anywhere near Nana until I'm positive I'm not contagious. Tonight I've been going through my photos, looking for stuff for the memory board and to scan for the dvd. And of course everything has Renee in it, and that's a whole nother can of worms that I just can't deal with at the moment.

I'm going to be swimming in joeys in two months! Baby has one IP due in mid-April or so, Ivy has one due oop in early May, Candace has twins due in mid-May, and Saffron and Tucker have been mating like mad too. I've only had 4 joeys in the last year, two at a time, so this is going to be exciting, but a bit overwhelming too. I'm hoping to be able to combine some cages and be down to 6-7 cages soon. I have all the parts for more reptariums, but I have to get the frames done, and I need to combine at least 2 cages' worth before I can put anyone in them, for lack of room. Starla is going to go into my bedroom for now, and Ivy into the sewing room. That should give me enough room to start putting up reps, and take down several of the wire cages.

My next big project, after this week is done and over with, and once I have a car I can drive again, is to get Ella and Gilly spayed. (Yes... we have a dog named Aspergillus Niger... "black mold"... she is all black and Pete named her, need I say more?) I paid off Katie's spay, and the gliders are almost all neutered (Rascal is next once I have money again), so the puppies are the next priority, and then Charlotte last. Once Charlotte is done, I won't know what to do with myself. *evil smile* I suppose I could look into having Peter himself neutered... or doing it myself, depending on my mood!

I wonder if I'll ever heal enough that the mere mention of November doesn't make me cringe anymore... or that I can survive it without feeling like I'm drowning. Something tells me probably not. It's like instant replay for the next week or so... just over and over until I can't breathe anymore.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

Chorus:
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The
feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Chorus:
What have I become
My ssweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Date:	2006-08-24 07:19
Subject:	so very blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy

How, exactly, can it be, that in three and a half years, I still feel the exact same way? I thought it was supposed to get better... the pain was supposed to get easier, fade, etc. Yeah. Right. I still dream about her, I still find myself waking up crying, trying so hard to get back into my dreams of her.

Second grade. My baby is in second grade! The first grade that I myself remember... Charlotte's Web, Encyclopedia Brown, Amelia Bedilia, Ramona... it's like stepping back in time. I can't stand to even think about it. I feel like I'm caught in a vaccum. Life truly is just passing me by, and I'm helplessly caught in the current. And yet I can see that, and acknowledge it, and I still don't particularly care enough to try to change it. I sometimes think my soul itself died. Just shriveled up and disappeared. I never feel anything at all anymore... well, frustrated sometimes, but not much else. sigh. I just don't know. The tricky question, is how do I make myself care enough to make it different, when I don't really care about anything at all?

I'm not quite sure
How to make it through the night
Without the tears
I've come to know so well.

It seems they never leave,
They stay behind my eyes
Ready to escape,
For all the world to see.

The weight of the world is on my chest;
It lays over my heart
And make it hard to breathe.
It, too, never leaves.

I want to believe in God
And bigger and better things
That He has a plan
And He will lead me to my place.

But far too often I lose hope
Wandering aimlessly in the dark
Burned by the pain in my heart,
And chilled by the darkness in my soul.

~Written February 9, 2003~

As soon as I saw her photo, I knew she had to be mine. She's absolutely too stinkin' cute. And she's teeny, she's almost 5 months old, and just over 2-1/2 pounds. She's charting to be about 3-1/2 to 4 pounds full grown. A teensy little girl! Hence the name "Charlotte"... petite and feminine.

Molly's lilies finally started coming up, and almost bloomed, and the damned rabbits stripped the stalks bare. I need to put a little fence up ASAP to keep the bastards out. Fuckers.

It's been almost a full three days, and I can hardly bear to talk about it.

Friday morning, as Pete was getting ready for work, Katie yanked on her leash and managed to unsnap it; she took off chasing the neighbor's cat. Molly followed. They ran straight to the road, and Molly was hit by a car. It killed her instantly.

We buried her Saturday evening; we put her under a tree near where they love to play. I had a spot in mind facing the creek, but Peter wanted her to not be "excluded from the pack". We planted some pink daylilys on her grave. I hope they thrive there. Hopefully in 3-4 months we might have some flowers.

Tansy is taking it hard; both dogs are, and the cats even seem affected. Friday we had to take Asher and Teagan to the vet, and when we came back, both cats were sleeping next to the box we had placed Molly in. Tansy... Peter showed Molly to both dogs, and Tansy kept trying to get in the box with her. Tonight, I picked up a sweater of Molly's, and Tansy took it and put it in bed with her, and curled up to sleep on it.

I can hardly believe it happened. So much has changed; from the number of dog treats, to which ones we buy; even the tricks we get them to do has changed. (neither of us can bear to ask them to "speak" or if they "wanna go out"- both Molly's best tricks)

Peter is really not doing well with it. He saw it happen, and he's really blaming himself. He literally did nothing today- just sat on the couch most of the day- VERY unlike him. I keep trying to reassure him that nothing he could have done would have changed anything, but I can imagine that it will take a while to sink in.

It's strange how so much of me is screaming, "get another chi NOW!" and the rest is screaming back, "no way in hell!" I figure, if a chi finds me, I'll let it happen; but I don't want to go looking for one. I'll never replace her, not if I bought a million chis. She was my baby; I've only hurt this badly over a pet once in my entire life. (and I have lost a LOT of pets!) Just typical of my luck that Renee's birthday is next week, too. Nothing quite like a double slam.



I miss you, baby girl. Every minute.

I can't believe my baby girl is a year old today! It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home. We got some fake Oreos and chocolate chip cookies for her. (they're made with carob, but she doens't know the difference. lol)

( Pictures! )

I bought Tansy and Molly harnesses online yesterday; these are guaranteed against even being chewed up! And if they do get broken, they'll replace them for free, for life. I figure at the rate we've been going through them, it's a good investment. I also bought new crocks for Gilbert's cage. And MORE stealth wheels! I was SO impressed with them, and they're so much nicer than what Peter and I made, that I decided it was worth just buying more, instead of fucking with trying to make them.

I love my new travel cages. I really do. They are the absolute perfect size. They'll easily fit on the backseat put together, and if I want to leave them broken down, they're all connnected in ONE piece, so I won't have to chase pieces and try to figure out what goes where. And they're tight enough that they don't need any zipties. And if I do it right, the stealths will fit too!

36 hours until time to drop the boys off for their neuters. I'm getting nervous now. God I pray it all goes well. I'll be a wreck if anything goes wrong. I'm planning on putting the boys in two travel cages in another room for a few nights. Lydia and Kaiya are definitely old enough for Asher to be gone a few nights. Cori, I'll just have to play with her a lot in the meantime. Although, it just occured to me that I need to find the boys a few toys for the travel cages... I'll probably just make two sets that are dedicated to being in the travel cages; that way when we head up to Detriot next week, I don't have to worry about it then too. Pouch, vine, hammock... and something with bells on it. lol.

My colony is shaping up nicely. Samara and Starla are getting along well. The next step is to get Cori and Teagan in with them, in about 2-3 weeks at least, so I know he's fully healed. In 4 weeks, I'm going to seperate out Lydia and Kaiya into their own cage; then in a few months, they'll go into the colony. Then the hard part... I know I can get Asher, Reggie, and probably Melody in the colony no problem. But Macy... I just don't know. Even Danae is being a problem, not getting along with Samara, and think she was starting to fight with Starla even. I don't know; I need to sit down and think about it all. The other thing I need to think of, is that I just redid the glider room and cages LOL. If I get rid of all the cages I just bought 3 months ago, and buy ones like the ones I replaced, I think I'd be murdered. sigh. I guess I just need to spend some time thinking about it all. I just don't know.

So... Jasper is in his new home. I cried my eyes out, as I expected. And it didn't help that on the way to the airport, I took him out and he did this:



Sound asleep. I managed to take about 10 pics of him before he woke up! Little stinker! I'm going to miss him soooo much. I'm *almost* tempted not to neuter Teagan next week. Almost... but it needs done anyway. I'm getting way too full already, I don't need more joeys coming along. I'm still leaving Inca and Ivy intact for a while, so maybe they'll bless me with joeys soon. (in fact Ivy should have joeys moving up this weekend, if I'm lucky)

I really should be getting something done today, not being lazy. It looks very pretty outside, I think I'm going to head out in a few minutes with the dogs. I'm going to make myself some chicken today too, while Peter's gone. That way I can make whatever I want, and he's not here to be a brat about it. I hope he isn't gone too late... I want to get some things done tonight, but I know that when he's with Mike, they usually get into trouble and I'm not holding out much hope for him being here before 8.

Dishwasher, dishwasher, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... two spoons, three forks, a knife, 5 glider dishes, a pan, a pot, and some other stuff. LMAO yeah, I'm done.

Anyway... I think I'm a little slap happy after spending 8 HOURS helping Linda set up her new forum. Man that was hell. On one hand, I wish I'd just aksed her for the passwords LOL and done it myself; but at least this way, she has some knowledge of how to fix problems etc. I just can't believe the things that went wrong! And most of them were uploading problems too. I don't know how the heck she did it. I thought drag and drop was easy enough. I think her server was fruiting it out. Thank god it's over and up and running finally.

LOL Gilbert just said, "Gilbert a pretty boy!" So close to a real sentence! I can't believe we've only had him two and a half months. He's come sooo far so fast. I need to change some of his toys around, and I desperately need real crocks in his cage. Lately his thinks a fun game is dumping out his food bowl.

Tomorrow Jasper goes home. I just know I'm going to bawl my eyes out. He's my baby... I'm going to miss him soooo much. I've been giving him pep talks that he better get along with Whisper LOL because if I gave up my baby for nothing, I'm going to be really mad. I know he's getting a good home, I just hate to see him go.

Yay for lots of money... too bad we don't get to spend any of it. Within a week, we're getting $2,500- and I can't touch $2,000 of it. sigh. At least the cards will be paid off. And we might buy some things we need, like the storage barn and the rest of the fencing. I also want a new bedset, ours is shot.

I don't think my cages are going to get here in time for the neuters at this rate. blah. Frustrating, but I guess I'll live lol. My stealths will be here Monday... that'll be exciting. I want to make some new toys, but I'm just not sure what to make yet.

It's so beautiful outside. I just took the dogs out for an hour, and we played ball and sat by the creek. It was sooo nice to just be out there.

I wanna get some more cleaning done today. I need another load or two of clothes, and I want to run the carpet cleaner a little bit too. I might move the couch again... not sure yet, though. I want to reorganize the kitchen and food closet too. And I bought a cheesecake, that is a high priority too! And I want photos, at the very least, of Ivy and Inca. I might do it right now, because they'd still be tired and sluggish, instead of jumping on my head and all over the place like last time. I have 6 of my 12 gliders done from yesterday, I want Ivy and Inca and Samara done today. I'm kind of putting off the trio, because of their joeys. I can do Asher at least. My photo gallery will finally be up to date!

I might grab a tarp and the airbed, take it outside and blow it up. Just lay under the sky, and enjoy the air and sun.

I am so freaking tired. I cleaned all the glider and hedgie cages today. And now they're barking madly, because I moved Samara's cage next to Danae and Starla, and everyone's freaked out. oh well.

Yay for spending lots of money we don't have! LOL oops. It was all grocery shopping, so it's not too bad. I just bought some stuff I shouldn't have, like steaks and a pork roast, etc. It was just so absolutely gorgeous outside today, that I bought steaks to grill, in hopes that maybe, just maybe, it'll be just as nice out tomorrow afternoon. With my luck, it'll be tornados and shit. Which might be good, cause if Peter kills my steaks by burning the crap out of them, like he usually does, I'd kill him. However, if I cook them inside, I know they'd turn out nice.

I need to get these damn travel cages ordered. It's turning into such a hassle. blah. I really want them to be here in time for the neuters though... they'd make good hospital cages. sigh.

I hate people. I need bed.

I need more vacation. I really do. I was soooo tempted to just live at Cyndi's for a few... months LOL. Although allllll that driving just about killed me. I'm going to buy travel cages this week, so we have them in time for the Detroit get together. I'm getting the size Suz has, I really like hers. I haven't decided if I'm going to just take their normal wheels along, or what. It also depends on how the neuters go, etc.

Inca and Ivy were mating again last night, and the night before; I really hope there's some joeys this time! I can't wait, they will have beautiful joeys. Teagan and Asher go in for their neuters in two weeks, so I'm hoping these joeys will be their last. Jasper is going home to Beth and Whisper, but Kaiya and Lydia are both staying here, at least for now. If they go anywhere, it would be to Steph. I'm going to try to keep them both here though. My next project is to try to get Samara in with Danae and Starla.

I am so tired. I've been getting up around 9 AM for about a week and a half; I like being up during daylight, and I'm getting a lot more done recently, but I am so tired so early. Which does go hand in hand with getting up early!

Peter and I had a really nice weekend. He had to work Saturday a bit, but we relaxed, went shopping in Mentor, and today we rented a movie, bought a pizza, and just kinda lazed around. I kinda felt bad that we didn't get anything done, but he's been so frustrated at work recently, that I think we both needed to just not think for a day or two. On the way back from Cyndi's Sunday night, we had a "discussion" for about an hour. I think we did well with it; we didn't fight, we both talked, both listened, it went somewhere, and it ended well. (Well... kind of... it ended with Starla escaping her pouch and jumping on my head at the rest stop.) I'm starting to think we might survive, and be the stronger for it; but I suppose only time can tell that story.

I can't even begin to express how grateful I am that the last week is over! The biggest part was Molly disappearing Tuesday, and finally being brought home by a wonderful neighbor on Thursday. It was the longest three days of my entire life- not even counting being charged by 7!!! deer Wednesday night! Guess they really wanted us out of their field! We took Molly in to the vet Friday afternoon, had her looked over, and microchipped. I bought her and Tansy new collars (Tansy already ate Molly's, stupid thing), and they are wearing their tags most of the time again. I have to find SOME way to keep Tansy from eating Molly's collars. It's getting expensive fast...

I almost beat Peter today. God he frustrates the crap out of me. I really want to get the new fence up, and if he puts the skirting up for that stretch, we can almost double the area we can fence in. He didn't get a damn thing done today. I'm seriously considering just buying the fencing tomorrow, and see what I can do on my own. I bet I can find instructions online, and have the skirting and whole fence done tomorrow before he even gets home from work. The gates, I'm kinda screwed on... I just don't have the tools for it. Now, if I had a table saw, I'd be good to go! It's the angled cuts I can't do. I really need to get him to get some real work done on it tomorrow. Walking all three dogs on leashes is getting *really* old fast. Tansy and Molly, I've been just putting a 15 foot lead on them, and letting them run. lol. Katie is just as annoying as ever. I had let her off today to play catch, and when I told her it was time to go in, she ran off. She's done that three times this week. I guess she just doesn't get to play ball anymore until the fence is up.

I am beyond tired. I need to sleep for several days to catch up. I also need to clean... which sucks. I think I'll make it a goal to clean the entire house, and make going to Cyndi's next weekend my reward. Not to mention that it's better that way anyway, since Mom will be coming to stay with the animals while we're gone. Now I just have to keep reminding myself, until I get it done!

I can't believe how much I got done today! I got up at like 9 AM, and I'd cleaned the living room, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, loaded and started the washer, pulled glider dishes, and made the bed before I even checked my email! Amazing. I finished cleaning the house and washing every bit of clothes I could find, vacuumed every bit of carpet, moved the couch and started rearranging the living room, refilled the printer ink, printed all my updated glider papers, balanced the checkbook, and shoveled off the last bits of snow on the porch. Even all the clean clothes, blankets, towels, etc are all folded and put away. The only thing I wanted to get done that I did NOT, was sewing. Tomorrow I am moving the computer desk into the living room, so after that I can concentrate on rearranging the sewing room so I can breathe in here again. It's so crowded and stuffy in here that I just don't wanna work on anything.

Keely should be detached in the morning; I am so excited, I can't wait LOL! I wanna take tons of pictures for her new mommy. If I could figure out how to make the videos a manageable size, I would do that too. I suppose I could always burn them to disk and mail it to her... hmm...

sigh. I'm starting to feel the aftermath of all my cleaning today. I just don't want to move! It will only take 5 minutes to feed the gliders, and then I can get to bed. The sooner I start, the sooner I finish.

What a long weekend. I got a LOT done today though, so I'm happy. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, did glider cages and the hedgie cage, vacummed, washed clothes, cleaned the bedroom... it all looks really nice, but I'm exhausted!

I had someone IM me today wanting to adopt Jasper; I was just like I don't think so. Major impluse buyer, and sounded VERY young. Heck no would I let one of my babies go to someone like that! And especially Jasper, who is such a doll. Keely should be detached in a day or two; so far it looks like she may be even lighter than Inca. She's going to be a very pretty little lady! I think if her home falls though, I'll keep her. I need to call the vet tomorrow and make appts for Asher and Teagan's neuters. I think in two, maybe three, weeks would be the ideal timing; Jasper will be three weeks OOP, Keely will be 2, and Melody should still have a week or two to go.

I've been carrying Samara around 4 hours now. So far I'd mostly left her alone, let her go at her own pace for bonding; but I really want her and Danae to be cage buddies, and she needs major work in the next two weeks if she's going to get a friend. Soooo I'm going to try carrying her daily, and some tent time. She seems to be dealing with the sissy pouch well. Or at least until the phone rings. That really freaked her out. sigh.

Twelve more hours until Cyndi drops Harley and Holden off for neutering. God I pray it goes well for her. We'd both be just heartbroken if anything goes wrong.

Pete's been very sweet this weekend. We went out shopping last night, and he was really laid back about it, which was... different LOL. Although he did make me mad today. I spent the whole day cleaning and working my butt off, and he sat and watched TV. Very aggravating. At least he didn't run off to his dad's though. He did help with the trash, so I suppose he gets *some* credit. I need to make sure we cut his hair tonight too, it looks like crap.

Tomorrow's goals: fix the printer, make some gliders toys, finish some sewing, wash more clothes, and get my new website up. We'll see what I actually get done!

I finally gave in and completely took down the hedgie cage, wheels, huts, all of it. Now I need to figure out a new setup. lol. For right now, I think I have a plan; if it will work is the real question.

I can't believe how adorable Jasper is. Every time I take him out, he just kind of wraps himself around my thumb, and falls asleep. Cori and Teagan just watch, then demand attention for themselves. lol. I've had him out twice today already, and both times they never made a sound, just watched, then gave me kisses. Then there's Macy, who for some odd reason, decided last night that she wanted to lunge and attack her pouch everytime I walked in the room. sigh. I need to get our taxes in, so I can get these boys snipped.

Poor Peter; he keeps asking me what I want to do tonight. I'm not helping him out either! This one is all on his own- his own ideas, plans, etc. We'll just have to wait and see how he does. Eight years... it's hard to believe sometimes.

Well, the bird finally has a name. We decided on "Gilbert", and he seems to like it. He's so funny, today he was practicing for like an hour. "Pretty boy. Silly bird! Gilbert! Gilbert, Gilbert! Hello! Pretty boy. Hiya! Night night!" And he laughs a LOT when he hears someone laugh, whether it's us, or the TV. Tomorrow is cage cleaning day, and I'm going to give him a bath again, check nails etc.

I busted ass today, and got all the cages cleaned, and switched the last two cages to the new cages. I think I finally have the wheels the way I want them, so they're easier to get out now. I need to remake some of their toys (the washing machine killed them lol), and some I trashed because they were chewed up or they just don't play in them. Tomorrow is the hedgie cage. I'm looking into a new cage for them, I just can't find anything I like that's IMO big enough for all three girls. I think we're going to end up building something.

I can't wait for Jasper to be completely OOP. She can't keep him in more than 2-3 more days. So far he looks like a WF, but I suppose we'll see in a few more days.

I really need to get some sewing done, but I'm so tired from all the cleaning I did today. I might work on paperwork instead- great fun, I know.